


Read Through Me (ENDING)

by ThisIsNotATest



Category: DRAMAtical Murder (Visual Novel), DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Anal Sex, Blood Kink, Love/Hate, M/M, Piercings, Rough Kissing, Rough Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Violent Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 17:02:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29844663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsNotATest/pseuds/ThisIsNotATest
Summary: Hey to all of you who still enjoy this fandom! It’s been a while. I came back to finish an old fanfic that I abandoned a few years ago.Please go the following link to find it: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4455611Or search for Read Through Me Ao3 Drammatical Murder in google.If you already read it  - a quick reminder: Noiz is heading to Koujaku’s house with the intention to share and listen to each other's past. They feel lost and desperate for intimacy, but their confrontational side is far from being resolved. They do the best they can, impulsively and inexperienced.
Relationships: Koujaku/Noiz (DRAMAtical Murder)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. Reason

**Author's Note:**

> Hi again after all these years. If you are curious about why I abandoned and now I returned to finish this fanfic, I'll explain in a comment. Otherwise, please go ahead and enjoy.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

_-_-_-_-_

Koujaku didn’t drink coffee very often - actually, he never did - that’s why he was drinking a cup of instant coffee Aoba brought him once, probably found at Heibon. It tasted exactly as what you would expect something found at Heibon would taste like - old, funky and disgusting. Still, Koujaku drank it because he thought it to give him energy and focus for what he suspected would be a very long night.

As he laid over the kitchen counter he winced with every sip, looking around at nothing in particular as he became more and more anxious by the second. In his mind, he rehearsed possible outcomes and conversations with Noiz - deflecting arguments, _giving in_ to arguments, how much would he actually tell him about his story? More arguments, outright fighting, backtracking, fights that lead to sex. Wait, what? Backtracking, more arguments, his life story again--

Over and over he went through different scenarios. A few moments pass, and then a few more. Noiz was stalling and Usagimodoki confirmed it, saying it was because Noiz was nervous and insecure.

Koujaku got annoyed at that. _So what was all that bravado from before?_ Koujaku thought and clicked his tongue. He felt awkward every time he heard about feelings that didn't quite fit in the mental image he still had of Noiz, which was almost exactly like the one he was constantly trying to portray. 

Koujaku clicked his tongue, he felt confused but mostly annoyed. His heart pumped fast by the effect of the coffee. Noiz’s readings increased in doubt, fear and anxiety. Koujaku got more upset and again Noiz-

Koujaku identified a pattern and wondered.

“Usagimodoki… is Noiz using Stealth mode?”

<<P! Stealth Mode activated as an automatic response 18 minutes ago!>>

“But I told you to-!”

<<Can’t interfere with unit 05 main code! P!>>

“Then why didn’t you notify me!?”

Usagimodoki spinned around. 

<<Can’t interfere with unit 05 main code! P!>>

Koujaku felt really dumb. He kept falling into Noiz’s little traps. In Koujaku’s dictionary, Noiz played dirty, without any class. On the other hand, in Noiz’s dictionary, he was being resourceful, exploiting the freedoms and pushing the limits the environment presented. How could anyone be successful in anything if they don’t act this way? Besides, Koujaku was the one to turn stealth mode on.

As implausible as it may seem, Noiz and Koujaku were already arguing without even sharing the same space, or even words.

“This is ridiculous.” Koujaku said to himself as he threw the rest of the coffee down the drain.

<<Noiz is mad! P! -- Anxiety! Anger!>>

“Usagimodoki. Shut down Stealth mode right now.”

_-_

Noiz clenched his teeth as he took his earplug off and almost crushed it between his fingers. He felt angry and upset and small. Aoba’s work on his mind made him feel helpless - he had been so excited just moments ago and in only a couple of minutes, everything was taken away from him again. All sense of control, of information.

He cursed under his breath and then cursed out loud, causing an older man to glare at him who consequently received a merciless glare back that was enough to send him back to mind his own business.

He stared back at the little earpiece between his fingers for a second, started the movement to throw it far far away, but then stopped mid-air and put it back in his pocket. He exhaled through his nose and resumed striding at a very fast pace, ready to punch someone in the face. Maybe that old man dared to glare at him again.

But as he strode, he calmed down enough to realize something important - he was getting riled up over something that had proven to be faulty. What kind of mentality was that? Usagimodoki’s Stealth Mode had reached its maximum potential and it wasn’t even in the curve of diminishing returns… it was outright giving negative results, driving him away from his goal.

Realizing this, he immediately halted in the middle of a fast paced venue. Someone knocked against him and called him a dickhead, then more people walked past him, grunting as they avoided the obstacle he had become in their way, until the flow of people got used to him and just walked around him without a word.

As the flow of people went past him as blurry streams of colour, Noiz found himself as lost as he’s ever felt. 

In a balcony a girl smoked alone by the window as she looked at the dusky sky with the gaze of a tired old cat.

He didn’t know what to do next.

A couple, a man and a woman, argued without listening to each other as they pointed fingers, inside their apartment, curtains fully open.

He didn’t know what he wanted. 

A few youngsters laughed and played a videogame on the side of the road while sharing the same screen.

He didn’t understand what his craving was directed at.

A dog licked the pee of another dog much to its owner’s disgust. The leash was tugged and the dog was forced to stop.

Why Koujaku? 

A little girl smiled and hugged her new bunny plush toy as he walked home with her guardian.

What was Koujaku to him?

Noiz exhaled a contractured breath. 

Who is Koujaku? A perverted old man, an idiot, dense, a coward, behind the times, a waste of time, simply the worst.

Then why did he want him this badly?

Noiz didn’t even realize he was clenching his jaw tightly enough to hurt his gums.

_-_

Meanwhile, it dawned on Koujaku that maybe Noiz wouldn't come. He felt disappointed and exhausted. Not sleepy anymore, but still exhausted. Was he really getting old?

He drank a full glass of water to ease the acidic hole the instant coffee attempted to dig, feeling aimless, he put some more water to boil, to make tea this time. He gazed around again, trying to find some focus of alternate thought. His eyes laid on everything he owned, his traditional japanese style furniture, decorations, memorabilia - everything was old fashioned, his clothes, his perfume, his dishes, the whole place spoke of old tradition and forgotten rituals. Wooden architecture, decorations with dark red and black beads, red intricate knots and golden braided details, an old-fashion fire hob and a red iron teapot with simple yet beautiful handmade details - all artifacts deemed impractical and obsolete.

In contrast, Noiz was the complete opposite. Noiz was neon green and screens, gadgets and untouchable interfaces, all occupying the least space possible, all for the sake of modernity and efficiency. Cold, artificial and made by machines.

Koujaku had learned a lot from Noiz’s technology, more than he could have ever imagined, but still, something was lacking, something deep and important, something he would always choose against all other things. 

So then, what was so alluring about Noiz? Noiz’s world?

What was Noiz to him?

His coil rang and Koujaku picked it up immediately.

< _I’M NOT FUCKING GOING, YOU UNDERTAND!?_ >

It was Noiz.

< _FUCK YOU, YOU DISGUSTING OLD MAN!_ >

He was mad.

“Wha-!?”

The water started to boil, the high pitched whistle increased in pitch.

_ <WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, HUH? TO FUCK ME AND THEN DITCH ME!?> _

_-_

Noiz pressed his hand tightly over his mouth. What the fuck did he just say.

_ <Noiz, calm down! I don’t want to- !!> _

Bleep.

Noiz hung up the call, he called a cab and went home. His coil rang a few times before he shut it down.

_-_

The whistle of the kettle came to a slow pathetic stop as Koujaku turned off the hob. Noiz’s number was no longer available. In confusion and helplessness, he decided to put on stealth mode one more time. 

After about an hour, Noiz turned it on and had it up as well.

Sadness and shame. 

Closed up spaces paradoxically comforted him. Noiz had locked himself in his room, on his bed, under the covers, letting feelings of belittlement and self loathing emerge, not able to block them anymore.

His hand pressed over the earplug and Koujaku’s feelings played in his ears quietly, they were worried but to his surprise, reassuring. He had expected anger, humiliation, proof that he was despised. But he got none of that.

Noiz switched to hear the readings in an artificial voice of Koujaku, which replaced Usagimodoki’s voice. He had coded such a thing a few days ago, because Noiz was weird like that. 

Letting his mind get lost in the sounds, he listened till he fell asleep, putting an end to his internal conflict about trusting or not trusting, at least for the night.

_-_

Next morning, Koujaku tried to call him again, but he didn’t pick up. The readings were on and off intermittently, and when they were on, they were confusing, to say the least.

On day three, Stealth Mode was disabled. Permanently.

Noiz disappeared for weeks and it was neither the first nor the last time that would happen.

Koujaku kept himself busy and avoided Aoba’s and Muzuki’s calls as much as he could.

-_-_-

After exactly 16 days, at around 7 pm, there was a knock on Koujaku’s door.

It so happened that after the Oval Tower collapse, Koujaku found himself with no enemies, with his guard mostly down and enjoying the passing company of clients and good acquaintances that enjoyed his conversation.

This, of course, benefited his freelancer business greatly. Networking was incredibly important for his job as a stylist, so he received people in his house even when showing up unannounced and enjoyed the distraction. Furthermore, people almost always brought something with them, a small token of appreciation - a bottle of expensive sake, beauty products or anything of value to show gratitude for the space he offered to unwind and reconnect.

Koujaku’s home had become somewhat of a sanctuary - a profound connection to the japanese lineage and the delicious excuse of spending time in something fruitless, guiltless, in exchange for a small offering. Whenever his porch light was on, it was the cue to say he was up for guests. The light had been on almost every day during the last couple of weeks.

So when his doorbell rang, he smiled to himself, he stopped what he was doing to prompt himself for a brief visit. He secretly hoped it was one of his female clients since he could make use of a bit of frivolous exchange. But when he opened the door, his smile got instantly frozen in place.

It got frozen in place in such a way, it didn’t look exactly like a smile anymore. In a second, that smile was softly unplucked from his face, fell and shattered like porcelaine. His feelings were raw - he was divided between rage and relief. Not able to determine to which one to fall for, he got stuck in space and time, feeling out of himself, rendered speechless.

Noiz stood there, in complete matching silence. He had come with no plan, no preparation and absolutely nothing to offer. He only knew one and one thing only, he had the absolute certainty that he had no other choice.

Noiz felt like this because nothing else mattered, he had no other desires. Dreams of improving his hacker skills neverendingly, build an empire of his own, have sex with dangerous strangers, spy on important people - all pointless desires, meaningless. He had lost all appetite and desire to get out his very room. Therefore, when the only thing that enticed him to get out of his own depressive hole was the sweet promise of solving the mystery of that kimono-wearing man, it literally became a matter of life or death.

Dramatically enough, Koujaku had become the only thing left in his life that had the power to awaken or finally vanquish what was left of his spirit. 

When Noiz knocked on Koujaku’s door and the latter opened with that big smile, he involuntarily gave a little step back, and right after that, a thick mantle of unease, unreachability and brain fog covered them both. 

Koujaku’s shoulders had tensed up in anticipation of aggression, but when he saw Noiz’s sole action was to stand still, with a frown that fought really hard not to turn upwards and without a single unkind word coming from his mouth, he finally understood that Noiz had absolutely no intention to fight. Only then, Koujaku let his shoulders drop, released the breath that had gotten stuck in his lungs and finally settled for one of the two encountering emotions - relief.

“I’m glad you are here.” he said with an authentic, tired-looking but warm smile

Noiz looked down and nodded, a bit flustered. That small comment was just enough honey to let him swallow up the bitter knot of hostile words, barely finding their way down his throat.

“Thanks.” he said, in a very low voice.

Koujaku shuddered as the warmth of his home was sucked out into the cold night outside, making him come back to his senses.

“Come inside, you must be freezing- ” he said and his words got stuck in his throat as he felt the cold skin of Noiz’s arm as he offered a friendly touch to invite him in. Noiz was wearing only a black sleeveless shirt, a pair of black jeans and his usagimodoki belt. Noiz gave a step forward but again stood still and completely mute as he saw Koujaku somewhat freeze again as he touched his arm, bewildered.

Koujaku remembered that Noiz was someone who wore wool beanies and long sleeved shirts underneath another shirt in the middle of summer, just because. But now not only he didn’t have any such winter clothes, but he had just one layer to protect himself. Koujaku couldn’t help but wonder how someone was able to survive with a dormant sense of touch, wearing whatever they felt like. 

Even if Midorijima didn’t ever get _too_ cold, Noiz’s arm felt like an ice cube, and so did his shoulder, his hands, even his face - but not his chest, nor his neck - those were burning hot. The intrusive image of a wild animal overlapped Koujaku’s sight - a polar fox that exhaled big puffs of hot air and shaked snow off his fur as if it wasn't cold at all. The fox looked at him with penetrating intensity, without moving a single muscle, awake and alert, with deep light green eyes.

“Uh, where are my manners.” Koujaku said as he quickly let go of Noiz, stepped inside and to the side to let him in once and for all.

As so would anyone, Koujaku expected Noiz to step inside and into the tea room like any other guest would, but Noiz didn’t do that, instead he took the door handle from beneath Koujaku’s hand with his cold one and pushed the door slowly behind him until he heard it click.

Noiz leaned against the door, hands on his back as he looked right at Koujaku, this was exactly what Noiz had come for, that unwordy connection, the quenching of the curiosity they had for each other. His heart pumped so hard in his chest he could hear it in his eardrums. Laying against the doorframe like that fired up memories. 

Koujaku’s breath became deeper, stepped close, locked the door and turned off his porch light. Noiz had to look up to meet Koujaku’s gaze as he got close, since he was a little bit shorter than him.

Koujaku gulped and Noiz cleared his throat with the slightest hum as he grabbed Koujaku’s hand and placed it against his neck. This was the offering Noiz had brought before Koujaku - or maybe more like a bait.

In hindsight, Koujaku was just as powerless as Noiz. 

Koujaku kissed Noiz and pressed his palm on the side of his neck. To be surrounded by Noiz’s personal scent again, there was nothing quite like it. 

Noiz kissed him back passionately, their tongues immediately finding the rhythm and unique play characteristic of any great kiss. Koujaku loved how Noiz kissed, how his piercing gave this incredible foreign sensation to his tongue, his lips, even his teeth.

Koujaku touched Noiz’s body with increasing demand, feeling his skin, his muscles, the shape of his own gender that made him feel things he barely ever admitted to himself - a sense of urgency, a rush of energy.

What made Koujaku a great lover is the fact that his way of getting aroused is to _give_ pleasure, so when Koujaku started to hear the blond’s first sighs of pleasure as his touch got increasingly tighter and sharper, it made his heart pound hard and mess with his brain. 

Noiz’s hands trembled. He couldn’t possibly know what to do with them so he pressed them tightly on Koujaku’s back, bringing him as close as he could. Subtle sensations came from within him, tingling that started from the tip of his tongue, traveled through his spine and into his limbs, as he spied with his eyes half closed the blurry sight of Koujaku kissing him with eyes tightly shut. 

And so they reached another point of no return when Koujaku bit on Noiz’s neck hard enough to drag a moan out of him. Noiz’s plea for more vibrated in his eardrums. Quickly, he was digging his nails in his skin as well, making small marks everywhere, barely keeping his composure.

Without realizing, consciousness started to slip off, Koujaku’s vision became restricted and his awareness fragmented. He saw himself pulling on Noiz’s shirt. The damaged cloth on the wooden floor. Noiz’s pale skin flushed with red marks. The subtle but defined lines of distinctively male muscles. His blond hair. Small metal beads all over different parts of his flesh, glistening between his fingers, clicking between his teeth, generating the most tantalizing reactions when they were tightly pulled and messed with.

And then he bit a little too hard and the sudden taste of blood awakened something hidden within Koujaku’s mind that made him lose it. A sharp little inhale was caught on Noiz’s throat the moment this happened and caught sight of Koujaku’s flickering irises, having only seen that when he had been blind with rage. 

For what happened next, Kojaku would have no recollection whatsoever. The mere sight of Noiz’s expression at that exact moment, robbed him of the little consciousness he had left - Noiz was smiling, a devious and cocky lopsided smile, fear transformed into excitement.

Koujaku loved and hated that smile viscerally. He couldn’t bear it, couldn't have enough of it. Koujaku succumbed to his own blind, crude and selfish pursuit of pleasure then - with no subtlety or grace, he spun Noiz around, pulled both their pants down... and penetrated him just like that, with no prep whatsoever, biting down on his neck like a predator pinning down it’s mate in place.

The pain of going with just precum was not enough to bring Koujaku out from his altered state of mind... and at the same time, it was just enough for Noiz to have the best fuck of his life. Months of pent up sexual frustration were released that moment - with his erection pressing roughly against the hard wood’s surface, the pain of having Koujaku going inside him like that, made Noiz climax after only a few seconds, with a loud broken groan and his eyes rolled all the way up. Koujaku came right after him, with the sensation of Noiz pulsing around him, pleasure so intense his legs faltered. 

It was all over in less than a minute.

_-_

Koujaku had fallen onto his ass, and as he recovered consciousness, he blushed profusely, weighing what had just happened. 

From below, Koujaku looked how cum dripped down from inside Noiz onto his thighs. He felt very confused and ashamed. Not only they had sex without any kind of protection, but also Noiz had barely stepped inside the house and they had already fucked. Furthermore, he didn’t even remember exactly how it happened.

Seeing the cum stains all over the door and an almost comical churn of Noiz’s stomach was the cherry on top that made Koujaku feel like bursting. At that moment, he brushed all thoughts aside as hard as he could, stood up, pulled up his pants, took the blond’s hand and immediately headed for a bath, making him almost fall over.


	2. Cleanse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After they have precocious, unprotected sex out of impulsivity and the beast part of Koujaku resurfacing. Koujaku gets his shit together and tries his best to fix the situation.

_-_-_-_-_

Noiz looked around - the bathroom was foreign and old fashioned, just like the rest of the house. The tub was rectangular and could almost fit three people, but what took Noiz by surprise the most was the wooden floor and the shower head next to the tub, not inside it. Right below it, a tiny stool and a bucket.

Koujaku, still fighting against the blood rushing to his face, quickly took off his and Noiz’s clothes and threw them into a basket. After that, he went to the tub, opened the faucet, and then stood right beside the stool. A pause.

“C’mon” Koujaku prompted Noiz to sit. 

Noiz gave one step back.

Koujaku laughed just a bit under his breath by the cute reaction. With that, he felt like slowly regaining his composure again.

“Come on, you’ll like it.” he insisted.

Noiz clenched his teeth but gave in. He went to where Koujaku was, sat on the tiny little stool and felt very silly.

A moment later, Koujaku poured warm water over him until he was fully drenched. Starting from the top, he shampooed and massaged the blond’s scalp gently.

Koujaku was in control again. Time went slow. The sweetness of the silence embraced them again, that silence that Noiz brought with him and never broke, serving them now for keeping them calm and present. Koujaku kept his mind mostly blank and serene, pouring his soul into the act of taking care of Noiz. Being both involved in such an intimate ritual, felt oddly familiar and made them unconsciously start to trust each other in a deep way.

Without rinsing his hair yet, Koujaku grabbed a vegetable sponge, generously poured shower gel and bathed Noiz with a lot of foam, taking out the messed up and soaked bandages off as he went down his body.

Noiz closed his eyes and let the smell of wood, citrics, natural tobacco and musk transport him through gentle images of synesthesia.

Koujaku, alarmed by the increasing amount of foam turning pink, kept his cool and proceeded to switch the shower gel. Noiz was woken up from his calm state by this, he immediately recognized the scent of antiseptic soap and it somehow made him feel ashamed. For years, he had always done this on his own.

“Shh… It’s alright.” Koujaku cooed as he saw him tense up. He squatted behind him, his legs on each side of his body and washed his chest. For Koujaku, it was easier to comfort than to be comforted, helped him push complex feelings aside.

Noiz slowly relaxed again as Koujaku washed his back and chest, his arms and legs, hands and feet. Once that was done, he then laid his head on the crook of Noiz’s shoulder as he cleaned up his thighs, the inner side of his thighs and between his legs. 

Embarrassment was not enough to keep Noiz from being hard, but even if he was tempted, Koujaku refrained from doing anything about it, much to the younger man’s disappointment.

Koujaku then asked him to stand up and finished cleaning his legs and ass. Noiz offered no complaint but was ready for Koujaku to be done already.

-

Once finished, Koujaku turned on the shower head and rinsed Noiz completely, making his hair fall over his eyes. Koujaku fantasised about how to cut it as he combed it back; he took a long look at him and in that moment, Koujaku knew Noiz was one of the most handsome men he had ever met. He smiled to himself as he shook his head the slightest bit. He looked at Noiz for another second and then handed him the showerhead, sat on the stool and waited, serene as a feather.

Noiz, frozen in place like a dry stick stuck in the ground, aimless and silly, did his best to find his courage, exhaled soundly through his nose and kneeled over the wooden floor, right behind Koujaku, knowing he couldn't squat even if he wanted to. 

A few more instants passed till Noiz poured some shampoo on his hand and timidly over Koujaku's head. As soon as he did that, the latter gently placed one hand on top of his and guided him. Uneasy but committed, Noiz imitated Koujaku’s every step, taking his time and following his lead. Soon both relaxed and enjoyed the process of teaching and being taught in silence.

As Noiz understood the flow, he soon relaxed and didn’t miss the opportunity to observe Koujaku without restraint - the delicious scents coming back to the scene and the heavy steam coming from the bathtub, the loud sound of it getting filled with clean water, all added to an oniric appreciation of the powerful and dangerous red, pink and black patterns that crossed all over Koujaku’s skin. 

With his dark wet hair pulled back, the mysterious tattoo on the side of the older man’s face was now uncovered, luring Noiz into looking at it for a second too, gaining him a sideways glare that prompted him to stop. Obliging, he exhaled and continued bathing the rest of his body, but now with half a smile across his face, enjoying the subtle pleasure of mystery being unveiled bit by bit.

It was all done very quickly really, but it had felt like ages.

Fully clean, they stepped into the tub. Both their bodies naturally relaxed further by the properties of the steam and hot water. Furthermore, Koujaku added something to the water that made it dark green and smelled fantastic.

Koujaku hummed in pleasure as the water touched his skin and let himself close his eyes for a few minutes. Not aware of Koujaku’s repressed urge to wince when his bruises stung, Noiz however did notice and took subtle pleasure in seeing his face relax and smile, letting himself wander for half a second how that must feel. A complicated fantasy.

When Koujaku opened his eyes again, he encountered Noiz's penetrating gaze - the exchange was filled to the brim with deep and conflicted emotions. The image of the darkening water raised many alarms, but weren't aknowledged. Without breaking eye contact, Koujaku slowly incorporated, got close and locked lips with him, a soft chaste kiss, a little lock to keep them inside that safe emotional space for as long as they could.

Once out and the water being drained, Koujaku dried Noiz’s hair, shook it up with a towel and finished it off with an old fashioned hair dryer and a big glowing smile that made Noiz bite his tongue. Just but a small frown that came and went graced Koujaku’s face as he threw the blood stained towel into the dirty laundry basket and grabbed the first aid kit to quickly patch Noiz up.

Noiz was the one to give him a comforting chaste kiss to Koujaku then. 

And then his stomach gave another churn.

_-_-_-_-_

They cooked together - chopped some vegetables, made some rice, burned Noiz’s tongue, all while wearing light kimonos to wear inside the house.

Noiz ate like an animal. Koujaku didn’t know if it was funny or disturbing. After dinner, while having some tea that Noiz barely tasted, it started to rain. They listened to it pour for a while, staring at nothing, losing themselves in thought, finding distractions. The silence was extended to the very fiber. If anything, they would have liked to stay like that forever, in that bubble of fragile comfort, avoiding and avoiding.

And so they did, for a couple of hours, sitting next to each other, under the kotatsu table, idly entertaining themselves with their coils. But then as it slowly started to become unsustainable, they became uneasy, bothered.

Koujaku was the one to break the silence. He came to sit right next to Noiz, who consequently put usagimodoki down.

“You know… when I was young, I lived with my mother...” Koujaku started, almost as if his voice had gotten life on it’s own. Noiz tensed up involuntarily, Koujaku’s history was the reason he became obsessed with him in the first place, but it also meant that safe space was about to be shattered. Koujaku could see the look of confused alarm on Noiz’s face, but went on anyway.

This game of theirs wasn't a game anymore, Koujaku was a man quickly approaching his 30s, with a new lover that defied every belief he held and a hidden history of pain and that was simply too heavy to bear on his own. He didn’t keep anything to himself, he talked about everything, he had nothing to lose.

Almost in a whisper, Koujaku revealed his past, able to remember and relate specific moments in such a vivid and eloquent way, it unfolded in front of Noiz eyes like a film. Simple, profound and so easy to follow; fitting the final pieces of the puzzle, one by one.

Every piece had a different flavor - all about his mother was loving but regretful. All about his father, hateful and poignant. Aoba was something else - when he talked about Aoba and laughed, Noiz felt envious, when he described how he felt when Aoba grabbed a hold of his mind, it hit close to home, when he told him about the evolution of his feelings for Aoba, it made him feel jealous and small. 

Then it came the part when Noiz came into his life. He told him what he thought about that bratty blond when they first met, how what he believed of him was rigid but that it eventually started to change. He spoke about his contempt, then his confusion, his curiosity… his subsequent attraction. He didn't leave any detail behind, if this wasn't about crude sincerity, then what the fuck were they doing anyway.

Noiz almost couldn’t stand it, the amount of sheer honesty and openness coming from Koujaku’s mouth left Noiz feeling like a doll, staring back at him, endlessly listening and absorbing every word, keeping it all inside.

Then, Ryuuhou’s name was pronounced - the last piece of the puzzle that was avoided for as long as he could. The ritual, the needles, why and how it came to be, his mother, his father again, the pain, the ending result, the agony. The desire for vengeance. The robbed desire for vengeance. Ryuuhou was dead, but his curse prevailed. The rage.

The mood had then changed so profoundly, it felt as if the very room had changed its shape. The immense frustration and complete lack of closure, healing and retribution, left Koujaku in an altered state of mind, he stood up violently, his eyes...

On instinct that bursted from within Noiz, be it empathy or sheer self preservation, he contained him physically, lost balance and made them fall down onto the floor with a dry thud. Once on top of a shaken Koujaku, Noiz heaved, try to say someting to calm him down, but instead, he talked about himself, blurting out words like vomit.

Koujaku was successfully pulled away from his own loathing rage by the sudden burst of Noiz’s words and display of emotion on his face. He listened carefully. Astonished. Humbled. Confused. Pained.

Noiz told his story very disorderly, he tried to follow up chronologically, but unlike Koujaku, he was neither organized nor eloquent. He described what he remembered of his old home, the luxury, the servants, his family, his brother, the doctors. When he talked about when he was locked up, he went back and forth many times, he didn’t know how to describe what he felt, so his choice of words were poor, rough and childish.

Noiz had revived his own story in his head countless times - even revisited them vividly with Aoba - but to recount it outloud like that, with unchecked vocabulary, with involuntary pauses and not knowing where his own memories would lead him to, was something he hadn’t let himself happen since he was 12.

Not only he talked about what had happened to him as a child, but everything that came after it - how things didn’t get any better after he left home, the high cost of finding himself a living out of nothing, how he used violence and sex to his advantage, how he built brittle pride on being ice-cold and smart. How he had abandoned any chance to have a normal life and found himself living in the void, intimately flirting with suicide, self justification, self harm and self proclaimed lack of emotions. 

He tried to vocalize how much he regretted doing so many heartless things, how he pushed down his needs for connection in order to survive, maintain himself in his own delusion. He cried messily and said sorry many times, not able to withhold the emotions of shame, belittling and abandonment. 

Up to this point, Koujaku had let Noiz’s tears fall into his face, burting out of his eyes into his skin. He listened in stunned silence till Noiz didn't have any more words and started heaving, getting out of breath. Realizing that he didn’t know how to calm himself down, Koujaku hugged him tightly then, almost suffocatingly so, as he whispered sweet nothings to his ear.

_‘It’s all over now.’ ‘You are not alone anymore.’ ‘You did what you needed to do to survive’ ‘You don’t need to be alone anymore.’ ‘I’m here.’_

Noiz cried like a toddler and dug his head on Koujaku’s neck, desperately clinging on to the closeness of another human being. Noiz let himself cry over the abandonment and difficulty of his life till his panic attack came to a stop. His breath became deeper as he listened to the sweet whispers, not minding his tears and runny nose getting all over Koujaku's clothes. After a few minutes, he fell soundly asleep. Apart from not eating, Noiz hadn’t been properly sleeping for too long.

Koujaku carried him to bed.


	3. Excess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's never that easy.

_-_-_-_-_

Noiz woke up while Koujaku read a book beside him. Noiz had slept 11 hours straight, Koujaku could never sleep more than 7.

Noiz watched him as he shifted page after page, but then when he let out a soundly exhale, Koujaku looked back at him then. Noiz’s eyes were puffy and tired, but he looked relaxed, and that made Koujaku happy. 

“I’m gonna make breakfast, I left a toothbrush for you in the bathroom, wash your face as well and then come to the kitchen.” Koujaku told him with a big smile as he got out of bed. Noiz did as he was told.

After washing his face and teeth and taking the regular care of his bruises and bandages, Noiz went up to Koujaku and rested his head over his shoulder to spy on what he was cooking. It appeared to be small rolls of egg with some veggies.

There was no word spoken about what they said to each other the previous night, but acted as if they had been a couple for years. That morning they spent calmly savouring the small moments, enjoying the presence of one another as they went about their day. Koujaku took care of his week’s schedule, had one small visit and tidied up the house, meanwhile Noiz spent his time mostly under the kotatsu, messing with Usagimodoki’s code, creating new functionalities or idly playing a video game. 

Lunch was domestic and gratifying and felt simply easy. It felt so natural they truly felt it was just the way it was going to be from then on. Naive, right?

They felt good and wanted to keep feeling that way, so desire came into play, and where there is desire, there is fear. They were not a years-long couple, they weren’t even a couple. Every look, every small touch, every small remark was nerve wrecking.

It was little past 5 pm, both sitting under the kotatsu while finishing up some work - Noiz stopped what he was doing altogether, in order to pay attention to what Koujaku said during a video call from one of his usual clients. It was a gorgeous, loud young woman that simply seemed to have the best time while chatting with Koujaku, who reciprocated her enthusiasm. Noiz got instantly annoyed, they were giving each other compliments, back and forth, back and forth, like cheap currency.

Noiz tensed up as he internally questioned Koujaku’s sexuality - something he hadn’t even pondered about before.

“Didn’t know you were such a gigolo.” Noiz said with an unpleasant tone the second the call ended.

Koujaku blinked twice. It was the first time since Noiz came to his home that he sounded like wanting to pick up a fight. He didn't say anything, just looked at him, trying to find an answer in his face.

“What are you staring at?” A pause. “Creep.”

Noiz avoided eye contact and was having a hard time trying to keep the blood away from his face. Koujaku smirked then.

“Noiz…” he said, calmly.

Noiz pursed his lips. “What.”

“Noiz… are you jealous?” he asked.

“Who would be jealous of a perverted old man like you.” Noiz answered and quickly hid his mouth behind his hand. 

Koujaku felt a small vein pop at that remark, but instead of calling him a conceited brat, he got close to him, really close.

“A perverted old man, huh…?” he said, “What does that say of you, that you are into me, then?”

Koujaku put his face one centimeter away from his and breathed the same bit of air.

Things escalated quickly. They kissed each other with impatience, more and more passionate by the second, not able to get enough of each other's mouths. This time, Noiz closed his eyes as well - something he didn't do often, but this time around it came natural because he started to feel something, a sensation in the tip of his tongue, a tingling that slowly started to expand and travel down his throat and into his stomach, a subtle but foreign sensation that electrified his limbs.

Their hearts beat in sync, any little action, any display of desire, fired up all their neurons, making everything feel unique, fun and invigorating. Neither of them realized that the reason why they were in such a powerful trance with one another, was because they were falling in recruited love for the first time in their lives. 

Soon enough, Noiz found himself lying over the kotatsu, Koujaku on top of him, undressing him quickly and devouring every centimeter of skin like a piece of candy. When he took his pants off, he was already dripping precum, making his piercings glimmer even more. Koujaku ate him out like it was the most delicious thing... and after he started to use some teeth, it didn't take long for Noiz to cum into Koujaku's mouth. For Koujaku, it was the first time he ate cum and even though it was bitter, just the act of doing it drove him crazy with lust. 

Knowing his own stamina and how many times he could orgasm before becoming tired, Koujaku let himself be playful. He undressed and kneeled, legs on each side of Noiz's torso, and rubbed himself against Noiz's stomach. Noiz loved everything that was happening, how Koujaku took his hands for him to touch him, how he moved, contracted and came under his fingers, over his chest and his face.

Noiz incorporated just enough to reach out and lick him clean, not letting the erection subside. Even being hypersensible, Noiz's mouth felt incredible, the sensation of his tongue piercing made Koujaku shiver. He was ready to cum again, but wanting to extend it a bit more, he pulled both up and to the bedroom.

To be Koujaku's plaything, be taken and moved around as he pleased at one moment, to become the subject of the most mellow affection the next, made Noiz feel drugged. He didn't know if what he felt were real orgasms, or what they were supposed to feel like, but it was more than he had ever felt.

That's why he begged for more.

And more.

Excess quickly came into play.

They confused the ecstasy of emotional reciprocity with one of sexual release and couldn't tell them apart.

Unconscious and unwilling to stop, they tore bandages apart, touch became scratches and scratches became cuts. As the violence increased, blood glistened together with Koujaku’s werewolf eyes. 

_-_-_

Koujaku woke up next the morning, completely disoriented, his throat paper-dry and his head splitting in two. He stood up mechanically and blindly headed to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water. He made it to the counter and when he lifted a glass to fill with tap water, he let it slip between his fingers into the sink, making it crack. His fingertips were covered in dry blood, all the way from under his fingernails, brownish trails of it came down his hands and forearms, making all sorts of sickening patterns. Flashbacks of his fingertips sharpening into claws invaded his cognition. The penetrating red, the sensation of the ripping of skin.

Koujaku’s heart took up alarming speed. He ran back to the bedroom. The bedsheets had dried up blood all over, Noiz had bites and cuts on his neck, his ribs, his shoulders, his waist. He was completely still, naked and pale. He didn’t look like sleeping.

With the deepest sense of urgency and outright dread, he checked for Noiz’s pulse. He found the heartbeat and muffled his scream of relief on the mattress.

The sharpest pangs of remorse hit him as fragments of memories of the night before kept coming back, violating his mind. The images disturbed him deeply but also... the beast part of him tried to seduce and corrupt him again with them, tried to awaken itself once more with the recollection of what it felt like, how Noiz felt like, to hear his ecstatic moans, his passionate responses towards his violent ministrations, how his short nails dug into his tattooed skin while calling his name, time and time again.

Noiz's voice, mellow and hungry, intoxicating, blinding.

Koujaku could literally feel for a few instants just how good it had felt to be so hard inside him, to drown in his scent, his taste and the softness of his skin. How his claws so pleasingly entered his flesh, how good his blood, his tears and his cum tasted. Koujaku could remember and relive the experience, his heightened senses, the incredible range of scent he could perceive, the irresistible sensation of power, the sheer ecstasy of turning into something monstrous.

Feeling violent hurls coming right up from his stomach, Koujaku barely made it to the toilet to vomit. Gastric acid burned his throat as the spasms made him tear up.

Shortness of breath and nausea were brought by the mind who wanted to keep being human and reclaim sanity.

Koujaku's two minds fought for governance - battling feelings of grief and power took his absolute attention as he felt the softness of silk, the softness of lips, the weight of his katana in his right hand, the smell of ink, the sharpness of the blade, the warmth of Noiz, pins and needles on his skin, Ryouhou’s grin, Noiz’s grin, his own groans of ecstasy, the fine threads of her mother’s kimono fabric being cut in a single movement. He screamed.

_-_

Noiz was woken up by the noise, and barely able to unstick his eyes, he managed to incorporate and stumble to the restroom where Koujaku pathetically dug his face into the toilet. Light headed and exhausted, Noiz could barely understand what was going on, but shivered as he listened to Koujaku’s cry for Tori to call for an ambulance.

Koujaku got startled when he saw Noiz standing next to him, pale as a sheet. Not a single corner of Noiz’s body was left unharmed, his wounds were dry and coarse, blood turned into brownish red scales. Koujaku wanted to cry, but instead he stood up, went to the sink, rinsed his mouth, washed his face and avoided eye contact through the mirror at all costs. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to disappear.

“I'm sorry...” Noiz said and made Koujaku snap out of his own pathetic rummage. Noiz’s tongue was wounded and swollen, so it was hard to speak. “You turned into…a wolf ... I called for it.”

Koujaku immediately interrupted him. “This is not your fault, Noiz.”

“I begged for it.” Noiz insisted.

“This is not your fucking fault!”

“...I wanted to die.”

“STOP IT, NOIZ!” Koujaku grabbed and shook him. Noiz wakely clinged to him.

“I wanted you to kill me...” He continued, hypnotized, voice like a frayed string. “Because I was so happy.” 

Noiz let his weight fall onto Koujaku. His skin burned, he was running a fever. 

"I was so happy."

_-_

Falling in recruited love is a powerful healing balm for broken souls, but no matter how intense the balm is, old wounds take time to heal.

Traumatic memories should not be forgotten, but be let die - when the body is not used to feeling good, when it's not used to letting go, it keeps everything inside, undying and monstrous and self gratifying. Koujaku and Noiz didn’t know how to shed that rotten skin yet, didn't understand that battle doesn't stop when we start to feel good.


	4. Epilogue - Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Friendship help

_-_-_-_-_

“Wh-what? What happened?... Slow down… Hospital!? Why!?... You and Noiz what?... Koujaku, stop being an idiot and tell me-!... Put Noiz on the phone… put him--! What do you mean he CAN’T?-- TELL ME EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT NOW!”

Ao hung up violently and started changing. Ren stared at him, preoccupied. “What’s going on?”

Sly answered curtly. “I need to get to the hospital, right now. Apparently Noiz is into bestiality or some sick shit like that, that's what! FUCK!”

Ren blushed a bit and scratched the back of his head.

“It’s a completely different thing, Ren.” Ao said, quickly realizing the irony.

“Want me to come?” Ren asked, question tone almost nonexistent. Ao felt a strong pang in his heart. He knew how much Ren hurted, being excluded from his escapades to do god-knew-what with Noiz and Koujaku so many times now.

Ao looked at Ren for a few seconds, Ren didn’t even meet his eye.

_-_-_

“HOW COULD YOU!?” Ao yelled at Koujaku the second he saw him right after exiting Noiz’s hospital room, together with a timid but bewildered Ren who tried to slow him down. His eyes were different colors, sharing unison rage.

“Ao, calm down.” Ren said, apologetically looking toward the alerted nurses.

Ao backed away a little, trying to control themselves, but the situation was much worse than they had imagined, even Koujaku was hurt all over.

“How do you expect me to react, Ren? When _this_ was what they were up to. Fucking disappear for a week, to SELF DISCTRUCT!” he says, pointing his arm towards Koujaku’s direction, in complete disdain.

“Please, we are in a hospital.” Ren insisted.

“I know we are in a fucking hospital!” He shout-whispered then, pulling brusquely away from him.

Ao was filled with venom, clenched his teeth tightly and hissed all kinds of insulting half-truths through them.

Koujaku silently received them all - not a single insulting remark he defended himself against. At the complete lack of resistance, Ao continued carrying himself away and started raising his voice again.

“...FUCKING SELFISH!” he said at one point, and the word finally struck on a nerve. One of Ren’s nerves.

“Well maybe it could have all been prevented if you hadn’t been selfish yourself!” Ren snapped at him, tone collected but aggressive. He had gotten tired of trying to calm him down, having no respect for the environment and also acting like he didn’t even exist.

The absolutely cold and antagonising glare he received back though, almost pulled out a whimper out of Ren.

“What can you possibly mean?” Ao asked, squinting at him like he would an enemy, no love in sight, as if they were complete strangers. But Ren didn’t back down, now he started to feel like growling.

“You know exactly what I mean.” he responded, flatly.

Koujaku stood up brusquely.

“What are you talking about, Ren?” he asked, getting between the two.

“NOTHING!” Aoba snapped quickly. Koujaku looked at Ao with shock, what could he possibly be hiding.

“I feel like I barely know you, Ao.” Ren said then, with a defeated voice.

Ao felt an abhorrent sensation then, having Ren standing against him like that... it made him realize that Ren might not stay by his side forever. Ao became teary eyed. “What do you want from us, Ren!?”

“To be honest with them! To give him the option!” Ren responded.

“What OPTION?” Koujaku snapped.

“Ao can make Noiz feel!” Ren blurted.

“...”

“...”

“What.”

Ao started to tremble, no longer feeling with the upper hand and falling out of sync, they became dizzy and nervous. Eyes flickered and tone of voice varied squitzofrenically as he stumbled over his thoughts.

“Look, we had our reasons! We didn’t know what was going on between you two… we didn’t know if you wanted to fuck or tear each other apart… I certainly didn’t think it was going to be both! … Listen! We didn’t do it because we knew we couldn’t take care of him the way he would have needed. I mean, I don’t know how he could have reacted…! Think about it - a person like Noiz, to feel for the first time... you need to accept yourself first and then--! Look! We have Ren y’know… and we are taking care of Clear as well… God, he made such a fuss today… ah… anyway, I just couldn’t- LISTEN, his disease was also a way of protecting himself! His whole life went around that, the rejection of his parents, of everyone! - I don’t know, maybe it could have made his life easier? … Maybe we could’ve taken care of him…maybe I should have asked you?! I mean how could we have known?! You hated each other! Fuck! I don't know, maybe it was a bad call. I don’t fucking know! It’s a huge responsibility! … I DON’T KNOW, I’M SORRY OK? LETS FUCKING ASK HIM THEN. FUCK.”

Sly couldn’t stand it anymore and withdrew to their internal beach. Aoba let frustration tears flow down his cheeks without restrain. “But I don’t know what’s going on with you Koujaku, to turn yourself into a monster like that… I don’t know what I’m doing wrong… maybe I can try again… try something different?… I’m such a failure, I’m so sorry...”

Koujaku felt his chest tighten up to de point of fracture. He put his forehead on Aoba’s. “Ao, I’m the one that’s sorry. I understand what a big burden this is for you. I’ll try my best, please don’t give up. Sorry for disappearing.”

They wept for a bit.

_-_

Noiz woke up several hours later, in the hospital bed. In front of him was Koujaku, Aoba, Ren and Clear - all silent as a tomb.

“...”

“...” “...” “...” “...”

Noiz frowned.

“...”

Ren elbowed Ao.

“Uh… there is something you need to know.” Ao said finally.

_-_-_-_

As it was to expect, Noiz chose to feel immediately - but it was decided that he had to heal a bit more first. Of course he didn’t like that, but wasn’t given an option.

He later had to secretly admit to himself why that had been a good choice, even if he would never say it outloud. After Ao scrapped him, Noiz had to bear with the reality of an actual, not only painful, but uncomfortable recuperation.

When he felt real pain for the first time, he was excited and happy - for the first few hours. Soon enough he was groaning and complaining like a child. The subtle discomforts quickly started to torment him - the tickle of his hair in his forehead, how cold or hot the hospital room was, how his whole body got cramped for being in bed for so long, how his own sweat felt wet and made him feel sticky and unpleasant. It was an overload of sensations which he did not know how to properly cope with.

But then again, not everything was bad, since he also learned about the subtle pleasures - the sensation of Koujaku gently caressing his wrist right up to the inside face of his elbow, the electrifying sensation of his fingers combing his hair and gently scratching his scalp with the back of his nails, the warm and wet sensation when he kissed his lips, which sent an immediate arousing sensation to his stomach and lower parts of his body.

The teenage-like erections became a problem. Not only every time Koujaku would kiss him, but he also had to deal with the sudden erections for having the sheets just barely making friction against him, for having Koujaku touch his forehead to check temperature, when he dared touch Koujaku’s skin back and felt what that felt like.

Being in the hospital felt like an eternity, but once at Koujaku’s home, that's when the real lessons started.

First lesson happened almost immediately after they arrived, Noiz started touching everything he came across with, walls, objects, courtains, while Koujaku, feeling almost like a parent exhausted by the hyperactivity of his child, grabbed some teacups and chose from different tea tins to make a relaxing blend.

Everything felt quite easy and under control, till Noiz dropped the hot mug that Koujaku had given him - which wasn’t that hot, really - and the tea all over himself, making him stand up reflexively because of the burn, ending up with the mug shattering against the floor, into a million pieces. That's when it dawned on them that it was not going to be easy, but certainly an adventure.

On the bright side, right after that they went to grab a bath instead, and there, Noiz quickly discovered that taking a bath with all Koujaku's rituals and parsimony, something that was already in the top tier of things to do, immediately transformed into something even better, becoming his absolute favorite thing. Right up till they had sex.

Making love that very afternoon felt unreal for both of them. Noiz was hypersensitive to the gentlest of touches and Koujaku was hungry to gently satisfy. The slightest contact was met with Noiz’s reciprocity and curiosity. Koujaku gave him everything bit by bit, with no rush, enjoying the giving and the teaching, till Noiz also became an expert in Koujaku’s body.

-

Koujaku never had an episode again. In part because Aoba kept working on him, and in part because the beast in him didn’t have an easy outlet at his disposal, since he didn’t find himself in extreme situations and Noiz didn’t awaken that in him anymore.

As of Noiz, once ready, he felt the need to go see his family back in Germany. Koujaku found out and went along with him.

In this world, Noiz didn’t partner up with his father’s business, instead, he did his own thing, went on about different projects which involved virtual reality and things he actually enjoyed.

Noiz and Koujaku spent many years together, living together and travelling together. Aoba and Ren spent their rest of their lives together, along with Clear. Mizuki had both male and female partners who he loved deeply. The whole group never stopped seeing each other.

End

**Author's Note:**

> Life is hard. Healing and growing is a never ending process. If you are struggling, there is always a helping hand available. Do try EMDR therapy if you experienced any trauma, big or small.
> 
> I love you for reading this. Cheers and good luck!


End file.
